I am on fire. I am hot, angry, infuriated. I am red. I am furious. My anger is directed everywhere, for the time being. Now that it's Sunday morning and I'm away from the situation, no one is watching, I'm going to be as upset about this as I damn well please. I no longer have to be strong, tough, or bigger then I am. I am angry.

I more then gave my trust to a stranger. Someone I've never met, spoken to, or even given much thought to. And in under ten minutes she got further with Amanda then I have in seven months. And seeing that sentance typed out almost made me lose control again. I hate that word. Almost. It seems like such a cop-out or something. If you're going to do something, DO IT. And do it the right way. Finish the job. I don't mean that. Disreguard that statement, please. Don't ever finish that job.

Here's a bit of a disclaimer for the next part of my blog, it's got emotion. I'm not planning on mincing words. And this isn't supposed to be a cut, a stab, anything. I just need a place to write this down. It's infinately better then saying it out loud. I realize that it makes me just as bad, but I need to say it. Okay? This isn't directed at hurting you.

I gave up a lot in order to be in the place that I am. Pot was one of the biggest. I can do without pot. I gave up a few friends, and it's not because I was asked to, it's because they make me uncomfortable. I gave up sex. I gave up kissing. I gave up holding hands. And none of those things, not a single one of them, do I miss as feircely as I believe I would miss her if something were to happen.

But there are certain things a person can't take back. And there are certain things that I can't forgive. That happens to be one of them. Probably the biggest.

I thank whatever higher power is out there that it didn't escalate to cheating, and I hope to that same power that it never does. Because I could never look at a person the same after that. They lose their origonal glow. It's almost like saying I'm inadequate. "I couldn't find what I wanted in you, so I had to look elsewhere." That's never anyone's concious thought (Well, sometimes it is, but not in this case), but it's there somewhere. What else is cheating for?

There's a part of me that wants to scream at something or someone. Just scream until my throat is raw and my lips are chapped and bleeding. I want to hurt and know why I'm hurting and be able to fix it by myself. And that's how my old vices always started too. It was always a mix between that normal cry for attention and the need to be able to see where you're hurting from.

I need to find something a little more productive to do to take out my anger. I'm thinking a session at the gym will really do me good, because I'm pissed off on a whole new level. I wonder what it is inside of me that wont let this go. Because I'm just as angry now as I was last night. This is going to bother me at work, and someone is going to want to know why, and I'm going to have to tell them why. I wonder what Lauren will say. Ultimatly it doesn't matter though.

Until I get a chance to talk to that... (I had a whole slew of curses and terrible names all out and ready to hit the publish button, but, for the sake of being civil, I erased)... that person myself, I'm going to be pissed off.

And for now, my anger has diffused.