In this situation, there's only one thing to say.

Fuck you.

Monster.

I was looked in the eye today and told I was a monster because I'm a lesbian. I deserve to, and will, in fact burn in hell. Once I die the world will be better off, purged of one less monster like myself. Nice guy, no?

Now, I realize that this wont be the last bigoted asshole I come in contact with. No one has to agree with my lifestyle. No one has to. I'm just tired of people using jesus as an exuse for being a narrow minded, bigoted asshole.

I believe that 'god' blessed everyone. No exceptions.

I can't believe I'm sitting here crying about this.

coffee break.

So, I got fired today.

It went something like this ;

I walked to the time clock, got stopped and told I needed to talk to Dawn before I did anything. I walked back into her office, knowing what was coming. She told me that sales are down, yadda yadda yadda. I can't retract my two weeks notice because they were going to let me go anyway. She said "Payroll is down, so if you don't mind going home, that'd be great." I just kind of stared blankly at her for a minute and said "So you want me to work the rest of this week, knowing I'm just gonna be fired anyway?" And she kind of nodded. So I got up and walked out, taking all my stuff with me.

I don't really have the emotional capacity to deal with everyone else today. I might just go chill with Jenn, where nothing is too serious for me.

Goooood gravy.

It would be awesome if you took two seconds out of your busy life to listen to a song that really describes my mood for today.
Coffee Break - forever the sickest kids.

put the hook where it hurts most.

When they sat me down I thought for sure they were going to tell me they were getting a divorce. They weren't, but the result is much much different. Things are going to change around my house, and I'm going to change my life, so I've decided as of right now.

I'm done waiting around for good things to happen to me. I'm done. I quit. I am going to FIND these things. I am going to take an initiative to get my ass out of bed in the morning, fix my room, fix my self, and fix my life. I have been in this gut wrenching rut for so long I don't even remember which way is up anymore. I am going to take up gardening. I am going to smile more often. And I am going to be happy.

I spent so much of my life worried about myself in relation to other people. I purposly do or don't do things because I know it will make people uncomfortable. I base every single move I make on someone else's enjoyment, as much as I like to tell myself I don't.

Life is good. Life might not be perfect. But life is good.

Amanda is my rock, my best friend, my confidant. My relationship with her may not be ideal, we live apart from eachother and she has to keep things quiet on her end. However, that doesn't hinder or change the way I feel about her. I love her more for being as strong as she has been. We've hit some rough spots, but who hasn't? And I'm sure the worst is yet to come. Things can ALWAYS get worse. But I'm not going to spend my time worrying about what they could be, because really, I am so happy with her right now I could care less what negativity the future holds.

Lauren and Jenn are the two best friends/sisters a person could ASK for. I have never met someone I could just talk in foreign accents to for hours, laugh about the word poop, and in the next breath cry on their shoulder because something didn't go my way. I'm so blessed to have this built in best friend in Lauren. She really is what makes me function, some times. And Jenn? When we talk I feel smart. Like, I can give something to the conversation and I can take something from it as well. There's no competition for who is smarter, prettier, more fluent in this or that. Best fucking friends. Three cheers for five years.

My job isn't that great, and I'm looking for a new one.

I got accepted into HACC. =] Which isn't a big deal. But I still have that letter saying "here is your future. you did it."

As much as I like to bitch about my life being imperfect, I'm going to try and take the time out of being completely miserable to actually try and accentuate the beautiful things that happen to me every single day. Because really, they do.

Oh. Blame the cold medicine for this blog, okay? =]

I had the single worst and best night of my life last night, and its not for the reasons you would imagine.

Instead of waiting around for a text message that was never going to come I called Jenn and for the first time in a long time actually hung out past ten. All was going well until a friend of ours called us to tell us she had stolen someone's shit and pawned it off for drug money. This all brought life to a fabulous conclusion to me (no wonder I don't leave my house past nine.) but to Jenn it seemed to only upset her further. They have a lot of history there, and Jenn has never been the kind who could just let go.

We were followed by a red blazer in circles the whole way through marysville. I mean we were really really followed. At one point the guy even turned OFF his lights and drove that way behind us.

We finally just said fuck it and went to giant to load up on redbull and shit. But by that time the night was ruined and things were being said by other parties that made us think a little too much for our own good.

Even my lame attemps at enjoying my time are going haywire. Thank goodness for Rachel and Kelly. If it wasn't for either of them last night I would have taken the jump off of sanity and landed myself in a mental home.

Nevermind that I was worried fucking sick that Amanda's mom had found us out. Her friend must be sick of me by now. In the end, that's not what happened. I'm not even sure what happened. Things are really bad for a minute then they're okay, and then I get another text that says "dont call or text until further notice." And of course OF COURSE my head goes "welp. that's the end of that. her mom found out and I am soooooooooo history." So I guess we're back on the up and down rollercoaster. Not like I mind.

Well, look. It's almost time for me to go to work and pretend that life isn't bigger then I am. Oh how easy it would be.

I Want To Know Your Plans

Leave it to Say Anything to write the one love song that actually seems down to earth enough to speak to me. Oh Max, you never cease to amaze me.

I often feel like I'm on stage for everyone else. Kind of like one of those performers who ask questions at the end. See, my act has been up for a long time, but people keep asking for encores. Or they ask questions that I have to answer. Or they give me scenarios that I have to react to. So here I am, trying to entertain or please a crowd who never really had any respect for me in the first place. Only one problem. My answers aren't what they're looking for. My responses dont take up the time they should be.

Talking in metaphor works for me.

All Over You

New tattoo.
It has two meanings.

1) Its a vow to never cut again, which I took up again.
2) It's a simple and beautiful tribute to life.

a lot of good things happened today.

jealousy.

It's a funny story, except it's not. I don't feel like explaining, talking about it, or telling you.

There are two songs that would fit my mood. Mr. Brightside and When Did Your Heart Go Missing.

Ahaha.

There's a huge part of me that wants to get angry. But an even bigger part of me that wont, because I'm afraid of the battle that'll ensue.

I'm not willing to risk it for my emotions.

However, I'm also not going to say I don't think my emotions are relevant.

Once upon a time there was a girl who wanted to put her fist through a mirror. She told everyone it was because she wanted to see what was on the other side.

Harsh.

I am completely real, most of the time. This picture? Real. I had just woken up and was expected to clean the bedroom. So I had fun with it ( and Lauren ). Makeupless and in my true form. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I laughed for hours. I laughed.

When was the last time I laughed like that? I mean, something completely un... un something. Un covered? No. Un ashamed? Maybe. Something just... real. The word of the day is Real kiddos. Read it and weap.

I found a band I like. Meg and Dia. I suggest their song Halloween.

My sister, Jenn, and I all have a story going. It started out as Kingdom Hearts fan fiction and developed into a (we counted) 456 page story that we made up completely ourselves, using other people's names. We all have our main characters, mine is Rexxia. Jenn's is Jynx, and Lauren's is Sirix. And those characters have their "somebodies". Rexxia's is Raie, Jynx's is Jyn, and Sirix's is Iris. Basically, just chop out the x's and mix up the letters some. It's not rocket science. I don't know why I'm sharing this. I guess because when I'm saying it outloud it just sounds stupid.

Ask me to read you part of our story once, you might be surprised.

Oh. Look. It's Easter.

I am on fire. I am hot, angry, infuriated. I am red. I am furious. My anger is directed everywhere, for the time being. Now that it's Sunday morning and I'm away from the situation, no one is watching, I'm going to be as upset about this as I damn well please. I no longer have to be strong, tough, or bigger then I am. I am angry.

I more then gave my trust to a stranger. Someone I've never met, spoken to, or even given much thought to. And in under ten minutes she got further with Amanda then I have in seven months. And seeing that sentance typed out almost made me lose control again. I hate that word. Almost. It seems like such a cop-out or something. If you're going to do something, DO IT. And do it the right way. Finish the job. I don't mean that. Disreguard that statement, please. Don't ever finish that job.

Here's a bit of a disclaimer for the next part of my blog, it's got emotion. I'm not planning on mincing words. And this isn't supposed to be a cut, a stab, anything. I just need a place to write this down. It's infinately better then saying it out loud. I realize that it makes me just as bad, but I need to say it. Okay? This isn't directed at hurting you.

I gave up a lot in order to be in the place that I am. Pot was one of the biggest. I can do without pot. I gave up a few friends, and it's not because I was asked to, it's because they make me uncomfortable. I gave up sex. I gave up kissing. I gave up holding hands. And none of those things, not a single one of them, do I miss as feircely as I believe I would miss her if something were to happen.

But there are certain things a person can't take back. And there are certain things that I can't forgive. That happens to be one of them. Probably the biggest.

I thank whatever higher power is out there that it didn't escalate to cheating, and I hope to that same power that it never does. Because I could never look at a person the same after that. They lose their origonal glow. It's almost like saying I'm inadequate. "I couldn't find what I wanted in you, so I had to look elsewhere." That's never anyone's concious thought (Well, sometimes it is, but not in this case), but it's there somewhere. What else is cheating for?

There's a part of me that wants to scream at something or someone. Just scream until my throat is raw and my lips are chapped and bleeding. I want to hurt and know why I'm hurting and be able to fix it by myself. And that's how my old vices always started too. It was always a mix between that normal cry for attention and the need to be able to see where you're hurting from.

I need to find something a little more productive to do to take out my anger. I'm thinking a session at the gym will really do me good, because I'm pissed off on a whole new level. I wonder what it is inside of me that wont let this go. Because I'm just as angry now as I was last night. This is going to bother me at work, and someone is going to want to know why, and I'm going to have to tell them why. I wonder what Lauren will say. Ultimatly it doesn't matter though.

Until I get a chance to talk to that... (I had a whole slew of curses and terrible names all out and ready to hit the publish button, but, for the sake of being civil, I erased)... that person myself, I'm going to be pissed off.

And for now, my anger has diffused.

I wonder if either of these two people in this picture remember this day. I honestly remember this day as the day the breaking point of my highschool life. Cindy and I started to hang out more. Jenn and I started to hang out less. I honestly think this was the last time Jared and I ever hung out willingly. That bracelet on my wrist? Jenn's mom gave it to me for Christmas.

This picture single handedly sums up the worst few months of my life. Finding someone to truthfully understand my quirks, habits, and the things I thought to be fun. I was a writer, a reader. I liked food, I liked sunshine, I liked the rain, and I liked to work.

Over the months though, hanging out with Cindy changed me. I turned into this... weight obsessed, fashion craving person I didn't even know. Suddenly, I knew who was who and what went where. The only problem was I couldn't FIT into this lifestyle. And by fit, I mean, I'm a size 14 jean. How many charlotte rousse's do you know carry that size? Yeah. Exactly. My looks became the sole purpose of my life. I worked out obsessivly, I stopped eating the food I loved. I stopped sleeping as much and I started to hate work more then usual.

I'm not going to lie, I like a part of the person I am now. I like that I know what looks good with what. I like that I have my own personal style (however 'old lady' some people might think it is). But I don't like who I am.

That's another story, though. For another time.

I may be some sort of crazy.

There was this girl who always used to come in to work to see me every day. She stopped visiting and I found out it was because she died two weeks ago. It's sort of upsetting in a way that makes you think.

I'm not a doctor, but I think I'm depressed. It's pulling at me in a way I can't describe. Like the nagging way my brain yells at me to veer my car off to the right while I'm on a bridge. I mean, I wouldn't do it, don't get me wrong here. This isn't a cry for attention or anything. But it's the simple fact that my brain is telling me that it's okay to do it, it wont hurt for long, and no one would notice right away anyway. That's not me being suicidal, okay? So don't think that. But it's there. The nagging.

I'm sick and tired of people getting angry at me for stupid things. If you're going to waste our time being angry then just stop talking to me until you're over it. It accomplishes nothing and only serves to piss me off. The next time it happens, expect me to be the first to walk away.

On a lighter note, I've realized I can't function unless Lauren is around.

I miss kissing.

I will never be proposed to.
I will never have someone look at me, and say "Sweetheart, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I will never be able to have exactly what I want.
I will never be able to speak my mind completely.
I will never look at anyone the same after you.
I will never be loved the way some people are.

Why is that?

This is how I feel today.

I forgot about blogger for a really long time, and now I'm back for a bit.

How long? Who knows.

That story is coming along. Slowly. But, still coming along. Maybe I'll post my W.I.Ps somewhere and leave a link here.

Who knows.

No one will read it anyway. I guess it's just to stroke my ego.

but the nuns are watching!

I have recently become obsessed with Rufus something or another's rendition of the song Halleluja, or however you spell it. I think it's a beautiful song with wonderful lyrics, and I don't care what you have to say about it.

I should probably be sleeping. I have an interview at 10 tomorrow morning for this awesome little daycare and I hope to all hope that I get it, because I'm almost positive if I had to spend a year working for Kohl's I would personally blow my brains out with the first handgun I could get my fingers on.

It will be six months on monday with Amanda. And last night she asked me if I thought 'we' would last. Honestly? I think we have every capability of lasting. We have a hell of a lot of hurtles to overcome, I know we do. I'm not childish and I am not unrealistic. I know exactly what we will have to go through in order to last. But I know that I want, more then anything, to be the person holding her hand fifty years from now when we're old, wrinkly, and sitting on the beach. And right now, I vow to do whatever is in my power to let that happen. So, Amanda Marie, I love you today and tomorrow and the next day and all the days following that.

hxc 2-step.

The things you say without really thinking about them hurt my feelings pretty badly.
I am going to be totally honest and as cryptic as possible at the same time.

When you say those things about the future or about the present, the things I pretend to have a tough skin about earlier, my heart hurts. When you throw that person's name into conversation I almost start to cry each time. When you say mean things about me or the things I like, it makes me angry. Why cant I tell you this? Because I already know the reaction I'll get.

I wish I could just rant and ramble like I used to. But I don't know who reads this anymore.

cinq.

Five things you should know about me:

1) I'm not ashamed to be exactly who I want to be at any given moment.
2) I have a huge tolerance for people, but no tolerance for work.
3) I'm clingy and easily attatched, even though I try not to be.
4) I am far more sensitive then you think.
5) I applied for college today.

bitch.

Sometimes, my emotions get the better of me. I say things I don't mean. I say things that I mean very much, but don't normally say. I turn to people I don't usually turn to. I shun people I love.

I am a very jealous person. I try not to make that an excuse for my over reaction. But it's still a truth. Not an excuse. I believe that today, my reason for being so hurt, is that I've had a bad two days. And not a single person has taken the time to say; "hey. what's bothering you?"

What's bothering me is stupid and fickle. It's simple things at work. It's headaches and stomach aches and people who say mean things. It's drama and it's old and it's new and it's selfish. It's the anti-depressants i'm going back on. It's the assholes who have been trying to get me to use again.

Thank god for the people who snap me back into reality though. Seriously.

Anywayyyyyy. Because my problems and issues are stupid and unimportant anyway, let's switch to something more fun.

Me and Cheryl is gonna havez hot cocoa in teacups soon. FINALLY.

Watch the very beginning of Candy. Where they're on that ride. Thats how I feel.

Would you like to know something that bothers me terribly?

I look around at everyone's myspace. And they all have one thing in common. This sentance: "Music is my life."

Well then. I try to strike up a conversation with that person. And it usually goes as follows.

Me: Oh! You like music! There's this song that reminds me of my grandfather called In Color. It's a country song and his voice is so soulfull.

Them: Oh. I hate country. It's so boring.

Me: Oh...well. Then there's this song by little wayne that makes me laugh SO HARD-

Them: Rap is gay too.

Me: Oh. Umm. Elvis?

Them: Ew.

Me: There's this cool swing band-

Them: I hate swing too.

Me: What DO you like?

Them: OH! All Time Low, Say Anything, NEVERSHOUTNEVER, Boys Like Girls. :D

Me: ...

Okay? Let me just tell you that unless you like a vast majority of the musical styles out there, music is not your life. Punk music might be your life. But music is not. And that's not me being stuck up. That's me being real.

I dont know why, but I felt I had to say that.

I have had an AWFUL day today. Work was just redundant. And frustrating. And I'm only one person with two hands and a one track mind. I run a department by myself and people get frustrated when I dont get things done fast enough. And I get frustrated back. I started to cry and panic. It just wasn't pretty.

And of course, when I try to talk to people about it, I get this: "I know EXACTLY how you feel."

Oh, do you? Because I thought when I talked to you, I wanted my feelings to be validated, and not deemed 'typical' by your standards.

FUCK OFF.

One Missed Call was a stupid movie.

Thank god I have off tomorrow.

social distortion.

I got a laptop. It's pretty cool. But it's new, so I don't have any picture to go with this post. So, deal with it. I wont have anything to illustrate my feelings with for a little while. Or for at least a few hours.

Two days ago was Valentines day, and I promised her a video I never made. I will, however, make it. Because this computer has a web cam.

I have this idea. And it links to her prom too. Lauren thinks it's neat. And so does everyone else. So. I'm kind of excited.

Hey Cheryl, did you do it?

Today is the one year anniversary of the day my grandfather passed. February 16th. It doesn't exactly feel real. IT didn't hit me today. I hear that it hits you when you don't expect it, not when you're expecting it the most.

Okay?