In this situation, there's only one thing to say.

Fuck you.

Monster.

I was looked in the eye today and told I was a monster because I'm a lesbian. I deserve to, and will, in fact burn in hell. Once I die the world will be better off, purged of one less monster like myself. Nice guy, no?

Now, I realize that this wont be the last bigoted asshole I come in contact with. No one has to agree with my lifestyle. No one has to. I'm just tired of people using jesus as an exuse for being a narrow minded, bigoted asshole.

I believe that 'god' blessed everyone. No exceptions.

I can't believe I'm sitting here crying about this.

coffee break.

So, I got fired today.

It went something like this ;

I walked to the time clock, got stopped and told I needed to talk to Dawn before I did anything. I walked back into her office, knowing what was coming. She told me that sales are down, yadda yadda yadda. I can't retract my two weeks notice because they were going to let me go anyway. She said "Payroll is down, so if you don't mind going home, that'd be great." I just kind of stared blankly at her for a minute and said "So you want me to work the rest of this week, knowing I'm just gonna be fired anyway?" And she kind of nodded. So I got up and walked out, taking all my stuff with me.

I don't really have the emotional capacity to deal with everyone else today. I might just go chill with Jenn, where nothing is too serious for me.

Goooood gravy.

It would be awesome if you took two seconds out of your busy life to listen to a song that really describes my mood for today.
Coffee Break - forever the sickest kids.

put the hook where it hurts most.

When they sat me down I thought for sure they were going to tell me they were getting a divorce. They weren't, but the result is much much different. Things are going to change around my house, and I'm going to change my life, so I've decided as of right now.

I'm done waiting around for good things to happen to me. I'm done. I quit. I am going to FIND these things. I am going to take an initiative to get my ass out of bed in the morning, fix my room, fix my self, and fix my life. I have been in this gut wrenching rut for so long I don't even remember which way is up anymore. I am going to take up gardening. I am going to smile more often. And I am going to be happy.

I spent so much of my life worried about myself in relation to other people. I purposly do or don't do things because I know it will make people uncomfortable. I base every single move I make on someone else's enjoyment, as much as I like to tell myself I don't.

Life is good. Life might not be perfect. But life is good.

Amanda is my rock, my best friend, my confidant. My relationship with her may not be ideal, we live apart from eachother and she has to keep things quiet on her end. However, that doesn't hinder or change the way I feel about her. I love her more for being as strong as she has been. We've hit some rough spots, but who hasn't? And I'm sure the worst is yet to come. Things can ALWAYS get worse. But I'm not going to spend my time worrying about what they could be, because really, I am so happy with her right now I could care less what negativity the future holds.

Lauren and Jenn are the two best friends/sisters a person could ASK for. I have never met someone I could just talk in foreign accents to for hours, laugh about the word poop, and in the next breath cry on their shoulder because something didn't go my way. I'm so blessed to have this built in best friend in Lauren. She really is what makes me function, some times. And Jenn? When we talk I feel smart. Like, I can give something to the conversation and I can take something from it as well. There's no competition for who is smarter, prettier, more fluent in this or that. Best fucking friends. Three cheers for five years.

My job isn't that great, and I'm looking for a new one.

I got accepted into HACC. =] Which isn't a big deal. But I still have that letter saying "here is your future. you did it."

As much as I like to bitch about my life being imperfect, I'm going to try and take the time out of being completely miserable to actually try and accentuate the beautiful things that happen to me every single day. Because really, they do.

Oh. Blame the cold medicine for this blog, okay? =]

I had the single worst and best night of my life last night, and its not for the reasons you would imagine.

Instead of waiting around for a text message that was never going to come I called Jenn and for the first time in a long time actually hung out past ten. All was going well until a friend of ours called us to tell us she had stolen someone's shit and pawned it off for drug money. This all brought life to a fabulous conclusion to me (no wonder I don't leave my house past nine.) but to Jenn it seemed to only upset her further. They have a lot of history there, and Jenn has never been the kind who could just let go.

We were followed by a red blazer in circles the whole way through marysville. I mean we were really really followed. At one point the guy even turned OFF his lights and drove that way behind us.

We finally just said fuck it and went to giant to load up on redbull and shit. But by that time the night was ruined and things were being said by other parties that made us think a little too much for our own good.

Even my lame attemps at enjoying my time are going haywire. Thank goodness for Rachel and Kelly. If it wasn't for either of them last night I would have taken the jump off of sanity and landed myself in a mental home.

Nevermind that I was worried fucking sick that Amanda's mom had found us out. Her friend must be sick of me by now. In the end, that's not what happened. I'm not even sure what happened. Things are really bad for a minute then they're okay, and then I get another text that says "dont call or text until further notice." And of course OF COURSE my head goes "welp. that's the end of that. her mom found out and I am soooooooooo history." So I guess we're back on the up and down rollercoaster. Not like I mind.

Well, look. It's almost time for me to go to work and pretend that life isn't bigger then I am. Oh how easy it would be.

I Want To Know Your Plans

Leave it to Say Anything to write the one love song that actually seems down to earth enough to speak to me. Oh Max, you never cease to amaze me.

I often feel like I'm on stage for everyone else. Kind of like one of those performers who ask questions at the end. See, my act has been up for a long time, but people keep asking for encores. Or they ask questions that I have to answer. Or they give me scenarios that I have to react to. So here I am, trying to entertain or please a crowd who never really had any respect for me in the first place. Only one problem. My answers aren't what they're looking for. My responses dont take up the time they should be.

Talking in metaphor works for me.

All Over You

New tattoo.
It has two meanings.

1) Its a vow to never cut again, which I took up again.
2) It's a simple and beautiful tribute to life.

a lot of good things happened today.